It’s that time of year again; time for terrible movies that capitalize on a religious holiday while dropping all mentions of religion! A few years ago, I decided to start ranking supposed Christmas movies on how “Christmasy” they actually were. I repeated the exercise a couple years later. I recorded my results and analysis in the following 2 posts:
Assorted Christmas Movie Binge: Is ANYTHING a Christmas Movie?
Assorted Christmas Movie Binge, Year 2: Still Searching for the Elusive “Real” Christmas Movies
I’ve watched a handful of Christmas films this year as well, though this year I picked films based on what I felt like watching and not so much with the idea of analyzing Christmasyness. In most cases, I was watching the dumbest-looking Hallmark/Lifetime/etc romantic comedy bullshit movies I could find, because they crack me up. These are some seriously stupid movies!!! Their stupidity brought me great joy, and isn’t spreading joy what Christmas is all about? (Answer: No. Christmas is about the birth of Christ. How many times do we have to go over this?!) ANYHOO, since I’d watched these fine cinematic specimens anyway, I figure I might as well throw together some half-assed ranking for my fans (all 2 of you.) [EDITOR’S NOTE: After writing this intro I asked friends for nominations, and they recommended some legitimately not-bad movies. Hence some non-losers also appear in this year’s rankings.]
WARNING: THIS WILL BE EVEN MORE HALF-ASSED THAN USUAL!
Here’s a list of this year’s movies, in order from most-Christmasy to least-Christmasy:
- My Dad’s Christmas Date
- Home Alone
- Christmas with the Kranks
- Black Doves*
- Our Little Secret
- Klaus
- Red One
- Christmas in Notting Hill
- A Carol for Another Christmas
- Gremlins
- Checked Bag
- Christmas in the Spotlight
- The Spirit of Christmas
- Hot Frosty
- Holiday in the Wild
- The Merry Gentlemen
And here’s a reminder of the scale I use:
Christian Christmas: Most-Christmasy! Movie is about the birth of Jesus. Partial credit for mentioning or featuring the nativity, or going to church to celebrate.
Pagan/Old-time Christmas: Plenty of our current Christmas traditions and beliefs have more to do with local cultural beliefs that existed before Christian missionaries showed up. Winter solstice traditions such as carolers and yule logs, local folklore like old-timey Santa Clauses, and other stuff is as ingrained in the current holiday as the actual nativity. So big points for being about these old beliefs. Partial credit for mentioning them or being about a modernized version of them.
Modern Christmas: Plenty of atheists and other non-Christians celebrate Christmas and skip over the Jesus part. So big points if the movie is about these actual celebrations, such as a whole movie about people meeting up with their families and exchanging gifts. Partial credit for tangential mention.
Wintertime: Tons of these movies are about something completely and totally unrelated to Christmas, but just happens to be around Christmas time. This may be about winter elements (snow, sledding, etc) but not necessarily. Often Wintertime movies could really be happening at any time of year, but just happen to be in December, thus get shoehorned into your Christmas movie lists.
Arbitrary Christmas deadline: I don’t know why this is a prevalent theme, but it is. Completely non-Christmas plot, except that XYZ HAS to happen before Christmas!
CHRISTIAN CHRISTMAS
1. My Dad’s Christmas Date
I’m shocked. I’m shocked by so many things. I’m shocked that I watched a movie with a title this terrible and that nobody recommended. I’m shocked that Jeremy Piven (Jeremy Piven?!) starred in a movie with Hallmark-worthy title. I’m shocked that this movie was as serious as it was. And, above all, I’m shocked that this movie ranks #1 in this year’s ratings. But it does. Easily. The premise for this film is right in the title; a teenaged girl secretly sets up a dating profile for her widowed father. I expected some hilarity with the fake dates, then eventually Piven would meet someone just in time to not be alone on Christmas, and the whole thing would be saccharine sweet. Instead, this movie is very serious, with the girl and her father both still struggling with the loss of the mom, but also struggling to connect. It has some legitimately funny lighthearted moments, especially towards the beginning where Piven shines as a lovable jokester, but the overall tone is very serious and at times was a real sobfest. This movie also started our really strong with the Christian Christmas content. First, our establishing shots of York (on of my favorite cities I have ever visited) of course do not shy away from showing the beautiful cathedral. Then our teen protagonist has a discussion about the Virgin Mary with her friend. They also discuss the father, and how he is kinda lame because he goes to church every week. We also find out that the daughter is in a church choir, and Piven pays a visit to her rehearsals, where we get to hear actual Christmas hymns. She sings The Holly and the Ivy, which, I’ve just learned as I was googling whether this song is a hymn, is a song where the Holly and the Ivy represent Mary and baby Jesus. And for good measure, the home is decorated with a star. All of this stuff set this film way apart from the rest. But after that, the obvious Christian content completely dropped off for the majority of the movie. We got some Modern Christmas content, such as a family holiday party, Christmas decorations all over the place, Christmas marketplaces, and some old-timey British dancing that seemed Christmas-related I think, but none of these things are central to the film at all (except the family party, which was at the beginning.) By the end, though, we finish up back in church! Our father and daughter have been through the ringer, but they reconcile right in time for Christmas Eve service. We have more Christmas music, and, believe it or not, we even have about 2 lines worth of a sermon from a clergyman! Does that clergyman mention the birth of Jesus? No! Of course not! That would mean we maybe finally have found and ACTUAL Christmas movie! Instead he talks about missing the people who aren’t with us anymore, and making sure we don’t waste the time and love we have for those who are with us now. Would a line about Jesus bringing that love have killed him? Come on, man! Still, I appreciate that this film didn’t live up to the promise of its title; this was absolutely not a Christmas Romance (a genre I still can’t believe exists), and we weren’t trying to set him up for the holiday or anything that stupid. Instead, this film explores one of the most prevalent elements of the Christmas season: grief and loneliness. It’s a time that brings both great joy, and great plain. This film was about dealing with these feelings, and it kinda almost sorta implied that Jesus is here to help. But not quite. Sigh… soooo close.
2. Home Alone
I have a couple confessions: 1. I have not seen Home Alone since I was a child. 2. I’ve always HATED Home Alone. Hated it! ESPECIALLY when it came out! I had two main complaints: Complaint #1. Macaulay Culkin’s acting was TERRIBLE. People at the time said, “Yeah but give him a break, he’s a kid.” Except I am the exact same age as Culkin and was a kid when this came out, and I could see right through him. Giving him the lead in a movie was like every time they skipped over a kid with actual art skills who understood perspective and proportions in order to give an art prize to a talentless hack who could barely hold a crayon. Complaint #2. It played violence for laughs. I didn’t think this was funny. In case you’re wondering, yes I WAS a giant nerd as a kid (big surprise.) I found the entire film immature and derivative, and I shook my head at humanity whenever someone told me they actually liked it. We’re doomed! But this film has been nominated a million times, and perspectives change, so I gave it another chance. Plus my husband demanded I rewatch it. My first impression upon re-watching is that the extreme violence takes up less of the movie that I recalled; I thought it was basically the entire movie, but turns out it was just the climax. This made it bug me slightly less than before. But the main thing that was killing me was the constant plot holes. Oh my God. SO. MANY. PLOT HOLES. Like how apparently timezones don’t exist in this alternate universe? Upon re-watching, the movie is still garbage, but a different king of garbage, and some of the humor actually hit better for me now (such as the pure evilness of the callous uncle who calls a child a “jerk” and then steals a bunch of shrimp.) Aaaanyway… for the purposes of this Christmasyness-rating-binge, I’m glad I watched this one, because I’m ranking it pretty high. The only reason why is because, not only do we actually feature a nativity scene (Culkin hides in the manger dressed as a shepherd), but yes, we DO actually go to church on Christmas Eve! Huzzah! There is a choir singing an actual Christmas hymn! But…
Look, this review is longer than all the other reviews because it’s one of the last ones I’m writing up. The earliest reviews were super half-assed cuz I was just having fun. But now that I’ve been writing these things I’m getting more invested in the rating system again, and it’s killing me that literally NO CHRISTMAS MOVIES manage to squeeze the baby Jesus into the films, and I’m stuck ranking things high just for getting in the vicinity. The kid goes to church. This is the moment for reflection, to consider the Jesus birth story and what it means for us and the world. Our protagonist is about to do that I guess, but instead his neighbor sits down next to him, and they talk over the service. Do they talk about loving family and reconciling and overcoming fears and all sorts of generally good-vibes stuff? Yes, they do, which is great. But then, after their chat, when they could/should be listening to the actual church service and maybe just maybe giving Jesus a single mention… the old neighbor KICKS THE KID OUT OF CHURCH IN THE MIDDLE OF SERVICE!!!! He says something like “You should get out of here now.” Why????? Why kick him OUT of the only Christmasy thing in this Christmas movie? Just so he has time to go concoct an elaborate series of physical assaults upon other people? THAT’S what our kid learned at Christmas service?! That he should be protecting his home? That he should be keeping others OUT when the point of Christmas is to let others IN? WTF????? And yet… we’re in a church, so there ya go, this movie ranks hella high.
My rating system is officially broken.
3. Christmas with the Kranks
I was inspired to watch this film thanks to an episode of Hollywood Pitch Meeting that made this look like the worst film ever made. With a 5% splat rating on Rotten Tomatoes, how could I resist?! From a movie-enjoyment standpoint, I was pleasantly surprised. It helped tremendously that the bar was set soooooo very, very low. So low. But to my own shock, I legitimately laughed at some parts (Tim Allen’s comically-swollen face being too numb to hold food in his mouth was a particularly solid bit.) 97% of the film was hot garbage, but whatever. How about Christmasyness? At the time of this writing I’m ranking it as MOST Christmasy because it actually involved Christian content. They are ostracized for saying they won’t go to church. Their priest runs into them at the mall (and ogles their naked bodies which is… ugh.) There’s a super offensive scene where a caroler arrives in the neighborhood, notices the Kranks’ non-decorated house, and starts listing all the religious reasons why someone might not celebrate (Are they JEWISH? BUDHIST?!?! NOT CHRISTIANS?!?!?!?!?????) It was a fucked up scene, but at least it was emphasizing that the whole reason the holiday is celebrated in the 1st place is for religious reasons. Most of the film, though, centered around all the other non-churchy holiday traditions: Christmas trees, charitable donations, carols, decorations, parties, traditional foods (canned ham? I guess it’s a 90s thing?), etc.
4. Black Doves
This is not a movie, nor does it claim to be a Christmas show. But it still checked more boxes than most of the supposedly-Christmasy fare on my telly. And I want to include it on the list because it was legitimately good (unlike literally everything else on this list) and I think everyone should watch it. This gritty series features Kiera Knightly balancing her life as a killer superspy with her cover as a perfect wife and mother in a political family. While the spy persona drives the majority of the plot, the housewife persona is navigating preparations for family Christmas. Both personas give us snippets of actual Christmas content. Spy Kiera meets her contact in a church, where the choir is rehearsing Christmas carols (I think… I’m too lazy to go back through to find the scene and confirm.) Meanwhile she is preparing her children for their Nativity play, and she and her husband briefly debate the roles of the wise men versus the shepherds. For that reason alone I’m considering pushing this one to the #1 spot. After that we have references to Pagan Christmas by showing a drunk Santa Claus at the very beginning. And we have plenty of Modern Christmas elements including presents, holiday parties, prepping Xmas foods, and gathering with family and friends to celebrate. For bonus fun, there’s a fun interview I found on YouTube of the stars suggesting that this is the antidote to Love Actually (another Keira Knightly vaguely-Xmas-themed vehicle.)
5. Our Little Secret
Here’s a Lindsay Lohan romantic comedy that sounds like it’s about something dark and traumatic but is actually a lighthearted romp I guess. Two people who used to date run into one another a decade later when they each join their new girlfriend/boyfriend’s family for Christmas and discover they’re dating people from the same family. For some reason that they never explain, Lohan wants to hide their history from everyone (no idea why, beyond “so the movie can happen,”) and hilarity ensues. Not gonna lie, this film bored the crap out of me, and I didn’t even technically finish it. The only part that really got me laughing was the part where nobody believes that Lohan ate all the family’s cookies because nobody could possibly physically eat that many cookies (I felt seen, because I absolutely could have eaten all those cookies.) The best thing about this movie was watching the Trixie and Katya React video for it, which is also how I found out how it ended. ANYWAY, I don’t recommend this movie. But it did involve the family going to church for Christmas and Lohan doing a reading about the Jesus story (while tripping balls, which should have been funny but had nothing on Seth Rogan’s tripping-in-church scene in The Night Before.) So this film officially ranks for Christian Christmas. And it showed Pagan elements like buying a Christmas tree, and Modern Christmas elements like Secret Santas (that they only pulled like 2 days before Xmas?), baking cookies, holiday parties, and gathering with friends/family for a meal. The movie wasn’t actually about any of these Christmas elements, of course. Instead, it’s a rom-com that could have happened at literally any other time of year, but just happened to be at Christmas. So… it’s both the most and the least Christmasy at the same time.
PAGAN CHRISTMAS
6. Klaus
Full disclosure: I had zero desire to watch this one. I usually find kids’ movies boring, especially heartwarming ones (I know, I’m a monster.) Even after two people nominated it, I was dismissive. But then I saw the beginning of a Cinema Therapy video where the hosts were raving about it, and after just a couple clips, I decided to give this film a go. Shame on Netflix for totally messing up their targeted advertising on this one, because whenever it’s shown up on my platform, it looks like a saccharine sweet Santa story. But it’s not; this movie is AWESOME. First of all, visually it is gorgeous. I mean absolutely stunning, and no wonder it was Oscar-nominated. But more importantly, the story is legitimately very good and creative, and the humor is amazing. This is an alternative Santa origin story that, yes, completely ignores both Jesus and St Nick, much like “A Boy Called Christmas.” But in this case, the filmmkers made an interesting decision; Christmas already exists. It’s not a holiday based on Santa, Santa came to exist because of Christmas. Now, we never get into the details of why Christmas already exists or how anyone actually celebrated (our setting is a particularly dark grimy place so honestly I’d be shocked if they celebrated at all), but once our Beta Santas start working, they bring joy to the town’s children, which brings joy to the adults, which results in people either rekindling or creating plenty of other things we tend to associate with Christmas, such as Christmas markets, decorating Christmas trees (er, giant fish skeletons that resemble trees… you’ll see), star symbology (veeeeery light Christian Christmas reference), sharing food, and generally coming together. So while this is a Santa movie, it somehow can still potentially exist in a plane with Christian Christmas (whereas other Santa movies feel more like replacements.) The Santa stuff is super solid; we watch the legend being gradually built over time, and it’s all honestly very clever. And while, yes, we know from the very start that our arrogant unlikable protagonist will learn to be a good person over time, blah blah blah, somehow it felt a bit more natural here than in other Scrooge-type Christmas characters. This is a super solid Christmas movie, and I rank it at the very very top of Pagan Christmas.
7. Red One
There is absolutely NO Christian Christmas content in this one. So I can’t rank it at the top of the list. But the entire plot is built around Pagan Christmas elements, and there is plenty of Modern Christmas content as well. This film is a blast (at times literally.) It’s a straight-up action movie with a PG-13 rating where Santa gets kidnapped, and his main security elf (The Rock) has to find him to save Christmas. Being a Santa movie automatically places this film squarely in the Pagan Christmas category, but what I particularly loved was the introduction of Santa’s foils from the olden-days: characters that want to punish the naughty, not just reward the nice. When we were introduced to the Christmas Witch, I excitedly turned to my husband and gave a lecture about how, even though I’m unfamiliar with a “Christmas Witch,” there are plenty of characters in European cultures that act as a foil to Santa, suck as Father Whipper, Belsnikel, and the most famous, Krampus. Spoiler alert: Krampus makes an appearance! And the explanation of his and Santa’s backstory actually kinda mirror how these characters have fallen out of our modern Christmas traditions over time. As for Modern Christmas elements, this film really digs deep into the concept of present-giving and consumerism, and there’s a bunch of cookie baking. This movie played it straight as a legit action flick, which resulted in total hilarity. The Rock had to deliver so many lines straight-faced that had me dying, particularly when making any references to the totally-serious Naughty List. I particularly loved that this film explained away the illogic of Santa by explaining that he’s a superhero with super strength and speed who can shrink to fit in chimneys and has a supersonic sleigh. Fun stuff.
MODERN CHRISTMAS
8. Christmas in Notting Hill
This year I watched a couple films that were just rip-offs of other movies, but with a flimsy Christmas overlay. This Notting Hill rip-off was so transparent they didn’t even bother taking “Notting Hill” out of the title. In the original Notting Hill, an Average Joe British guy dates a super famous American actress. This Xmas version flips things around a little and has an Average Joe American chick date a super famous British football star. I feel bad for all the actors in this film (especially the British ones), who were all perfectly capable but had to be in this rubbish film. This film was dumb in all the ways that bad TV Christmas romances tend to be bad, but with the added element of Americans fetishizing England (the “soccer” vs “football” ribbing was particularly cringe-worthy,) but my favorite low point was a scene where the famous footballer takes the American chick to the stadium. He knows she used to play and asked her to show him her stuff. She takes exactly one penalty shot, and that’s it. The scene is over. My what jovial fun!!! I’m off-topic… Okay, how Christmasy… hmm… I honestly don’t remember if there was anything Christian Christmas in here. Maaybe there was a nativity play? I dunno. We mostly focus on Modern Christmas elements; there’s going to Christmas markets, doing Secret Santa, decorating, Secret Santa gift exchanges, baking, etc. There’s an emphasis on British traditions and sharing them with the Americans, so I have no idea how accurate any of that stuff is. The reason I rank this slightly higher than most bad TV romances, is that the romantic story did actually have a reason to tie-in with Christmas instead of being too shoehorned in. Our protagonist’s family is visiting her sister for Christmas, and the sister’s been living and working in the UK recently. What we realize once we get there, though, is that the sister’s gotten really close with her British boyfriend’s family (of which the footballer is a member!), and is hoping to use this visit to introduce them. So when the romantic entanglements all wind around Christmas happenings, there’s an actual reason for it.
9. Gremlins
This was the #1 most-nominated film this year with a whopping 3 votes, so I had to go for it. I actually never saw Gremlins as a kid (I was a bit young for it), and have only seen it once as an adult, so I’d completely forgotten that this movie happens on Christmas Eve. Thanks folks for nominating it, because it made me realize how legitimately GOOD this film was! Like, ok, it’s not exactly Citizen Kane. But the cinematography, the storytelling, the absolute insane level of detail that went into every second of every creature being on screen… it all blew me away. Maybe the best way to appreciate the true craftsmanship of filmmaking is to watch a “real” movie after binging a bunch of terrible Hallmark romance garbage so that the bar is set nice and low going in. Regardless of why, I had an absolute blast watching thing movie! The stupid inventions! The mom going full Rambo in the kitchen! The lady getting shot through her window! All the tiny little outfits these little guys found for themselves! Brilliant! Pure gold! So I very much enjoyed the viewing experience, but was it Christmasy? There’s no talk of Jesus, church, or the nativity, but they DO play Silent Night (the most holy of the Christmas hymns), which gives it a single nod for Christian Christmas. There was very light Pagan content, meaning two references to Santa Claus. As for Modern Christmas, the entire movie revolves around a Christmas gift gone wrong. Gift giving is essential for Modern Christmas, and it was essential to this story. But to say that this film is about giving Christmas presents would be a stretch. Really, this story could have happened at any time, which has me considering the Wintertime rating. In the end, I’m rating this one a Modern Christmas movie, because we have plenty of content involving our little monsters fighting in/with Modern Christmas elements such as Christmas trees, stockings, Christmas lights, etc. Plus the Silent Night and the Santa mentions give it bonus Christmas points.
10. A Carol For Another Christmas
Huge thanks for this nomination, since I’ve never heard of this film before and don’t think I ever would have stumbled upon it on my own. This is probably the most depressing Christmas movie I’ve ever seen. Like for real, if you want uplifting, then stay the heck away from this nightmare fuel. On the other hand, if Twilight Zone Meets Dickens sounds right up your alley, and if this state of the world right now isn’t filling you with enough dread already, then dig right in! Twilight Zone meets Dickens is a very literal description; this is Rod terling’s adaptation of A Christmas Carol, filmed in 1964 during the Cold War. Our Scrooge is an isolationist who thinks America should stay out of foreign affairs, a privileged rich white man who is sick of having woke agendas thrust in his face, and a might-is-right bully who thinks investing heavily in weaponry is the way to prove American exceptionalism. To say that the themes of this film are still relevant today would be an understatement. What does any of this have to do with Christmas? Yeah… absolutely nothing whatsoever. Except for the fact that it’s based on A Christmas Carol, and the ghost appears on Christmas Eve. This film faces the same challenge that I ran into with Scrooged last time I did these reviews, and that I will likely run into with any Dickens adaptation; I just don’t think A Christmas Carol is very Christmasy! I just don’t! I haven’t read the original Dickens text, but none of the adaptations I’ve ever seen include mentions of Jesus. Nobody is in a church. There are no hymns. Unless an adaptation goes out of its way to Christianify the story, then I think I have to automatically rank them all Modern Christmas (since A Christmas Carol is now part of our Modern Christmas celebrations.)
BONUS: This movie has a mention of Latvia, and a whole scene about displaced persons! That has nothing to do with these rankings, but we Latvian-Americans get excited about any mention in media.
WINTERTIME
11. Carry-On
Do you yearn for more holiday action movies like Die Hard? But Black Doves was too long or confusing for you? Have no fear! Carry-On is here to help! This is a movie where an Average Joe finds himself facing off against mysterious terrorists who want him to do something very bad, and if he fails, his loved one dies. There were a whole ton of films like this one in my young adulthood: Red Eye, Phonebooth, Nick of Time, etc. I love these movies, but I feel like it’s been a veeeeeery long time since I’ve seen a new one. Well, the wait is over! This movie was a whole lot of fun, as long as you don’t examine it too closely (there are plenty of very stupid plot holes throughout.) Why is it a Christmas movie? Because the action is happening ON CHRISTMAS EVE!!! How is this relevant to the plot? Our film takes place in an airport, and it’s one of the busiest travel days of the year, so the tension and potential deathtoll is much higher than on an average day. We hear Christmas music in maybe 2 or 3 scenes. And we see a Christmas tree farm at the beginning. And… that’s literally it. No other connections or references. So the movie could have taken place at absolutely any given time, landing this film squarely in the Wintertime category. But I’m floating this one towards the top of the Wintertime films because holiday travel is a huge component of Modern Christmas.
12. Christmas in the Spotlight
What do you mean, you’ve never heard of this one? How is that possible?! This is the Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce love story!!!! Yes, Hallmark or Lifetime or one of those tripe factories decided to capitalize on Taylor Swift’s popularity by blatantly stealing her “story” and turning it into a Christmas film for maximum profit. The most Christmasy element in the entire film is at the very beginning when we meet our super-famous pop star as she is recording her upcoming Christmas album. “I don’t need a man this Christmas! I’m happy just being me!”(not the actual lyrics, but that’s the gist) she belts out while shaking her stuff on a soundstage. Aaaand… that’s the end of the Christmas content! From that point on she meets a football player, they fall in love, they try to hide their relationship from everyone for some reason, they have some sort of contrived conflict that is obviously just a misunderstanding, and then at the end they both appear at a Christmas-themed fundraiser for a children’s hospital or something where she sings a song about how she actually does need a good man in her life or some shit, and they publicly proclaim their love for one another from the stage which seem to delight the attendees for some reason. The final scene is Taylor hanging out with the football player’s All-American midwestern family (instead of going back to The Big City!) on Christmas as they open presents. Between our opening and our finale, absolutely nothing Christmas-related occurs, except that the football player wears a Santa costume at some point for about 2 seconds so nobody recognizes him. There is absolutely no reason why this movie had to happen around Christmas, and it is barely mentioned. So down to the bottom of the list to the Wintertime category it goes! The only reason this is ranked above Hot Frosty is because of the opening where she’s recording the Christmas album, because bad holiday music is a staple of Modern Christmas. It’s a shame the movie didn’t stick with the album plotline instead of veering off into boring romance (I mean, it really was a very very very boring romance), because I think there’s a lot of insightful stuff that could be said about Christmas music. But on the other hand, maybe Lifetime/Hallmark/whoever isn’t the right venue for that discussion.
13. The Spirit of Christmas
This masterpiece was recommended to me by a neighbor, and I’ve gotta say, it’s got probably my absolute favorite premise of any supposedly-Christmas romance. Here’s the deal: a career woman from the big city arrives in a small town to sell an old inn (so far so good), where she falls in love the the innkeeper after an initially frosty reception (yup, we’ve been here before), but there’s a catch… HE IS DEAD!!!!!! Yes, she falls for a (SUPER SMOKING HOT) ghost! He returns to human form every year for the 12 days leading up the Christmas, then turns back into a regular ghost at the strike of midnight. Turns out he was a murdered bootlegger (slash innkeeper, obviously), so our city girl now must investigate this decades-old cold case murder in hopes that it brings her sexy ghost boyfriend closure or something. I bet you didn’t see any of that stuff coming, huh? This movie is peppered with some pretty solid ghost-related zingers (such as when the ghost was insulted to be given the fake name “D.J.”) as well as more plotholes than you can shake a stick at (the ending, in particular, was completely nonsensical.) There was also a Canadian sheen to the whole thing, meaning it somehow felt more cold and wholesome than our American garbage. Okay, so the movie was the greatest thing ever, but was it Christmasy? There is exactly one Christian-Christmas reference: an establishing shot of a nativity scene that, funnily enough, is located in the Big City at the start. It’s on the screen for literally about 1 second. How about pagan Christmas? Negative. Modern Christmas? We have a Christmas tree, Christmas decorations, a Christmas Eve party, and I think 2 (non-religious) Christmas songs played on the piano. But that’s it. No presents, no caroling, no baking cookies, no Santa, etc. And none of those Christmas elements were central to the story. The only reason this story happens at Christmas, is because the super hottie ghost just happened to be murdered on Christmas in the 1920’s. There is zero reason why this story needs to happen at Christmastime, and so I rank this movie as Wintertime.
14. Holiday in the Wild
This is not a Christmas movie. It is also not a good movie. They lost me right at the start when our protagonist informs her husband that she booked them a long international vacation in 2 days, and he says he’s leaving her, and I’m left thinking, “If my spouse booked an international trip and didn’t tell me about it until 2 days prior, knowing full well I have a JOB from which I need to request leave, and that I haven’t gotten my travel immunizations, etc, I’d be leaving, too.” This movie differs from other Netflix Christmas-romances in several ways: 1. High star power- our leads are played by Rob Lowe and Kristin Davis. 2. This time our big city girl is traveling to Zambia instead of to a snowy small town, which is way more Christmasy because at least our heroine is traveling several thousand miles closer to Bethlehem and landing on the same landmass. The majority of our film happens in September as our white tourist Eat Pray Loves herself at an elephant sanctuary. She sticks around, and her son comes to visit her for Christmas. Silent Night plays, giving this film its sole Christian Christmas point. And then Christmas is over and she goes back to the big city, where she becomes a veterinarian for a while. Christmas is such a minimal part of this story that I have trouble understanding why anyone tried to shoehorn this into the Christmas category, except for the fact that they know about shmucks like me who are likely to watch anything with a Christmas Romance sheen on it, and aren’t going to watch a white savior in Africa romance. I’m tempted to not count this one at all, except last time I counted a bunch of stuff as wintertime when it only had one Christmas scene, so I’m grumpily rating it as Wintertime. Though really, it’s mostlyAutumntime.
15. Hot Frosty
The buzziest movie of the year! This film was very dumb. Everyone in it knew it was dumb. That was the point. So it should have been right up my alley since I enjoy really dumb movies. And yet… I dunno, I just wasn’t entertained by the one at all. The only stuff that got me chuckling was every point where characters just accept the fact that Jack’s a snowman by shrugging it off and saying something like, “Hey! It’s Christmas!” Speaking of Christmas, how Christmasy is this? It’s not. Not at all. This is the most “Wintertime” film I’ve ever reviewed for this binge. It had to happen in winter because of the snow needed for the snowman, but otherwise there was absolutely no reason why this film had to happen at Christmas time.
11. ARBITRARY CHRISTMAS DEADLINE
16. The Merry Gentlemen
I LOVED THIS MOVIE! This was my favorite of all the cheesy TV romances, and it’s driving me crazy that nobody is talking about it but everyone’s all about Hot Frosty. This is another film blatantly ripping off other films; in this case, we’re ripping off The Full Monty. A small town business is going to lose their lease if they can’t raise enough money before an arbitrary Christmas deadline, and a city girl visiting her parents saves the day by training a couple local hot dudes to strip (only half-monty, though.) Just as Jesus intended!!! This film hits on every stupid TV Xmas Romance trope (see above: city girl vs small town, arbitrary Xmas deadline, romance with the one smoking hot guy who is good with a hammer, etc.) but was much more enjoyable because the male stripper element was jus too ridiculous. PEOPLE. IT’S STRIPPERS FOR CHRISTMAS! FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY! My favorite stupid element of this masterpiece was the complete disregard for how time or money work. A stripper sprains his ankle super bad and can’t dance that night, but is performing again a couple days later limp-free? Sure, why not! None of these guys are dancers, and the whole idea is to raise funds, and yet they clearly exert a ton of time and money to learn an entire show’s worth of new routines complete with new costumes (paid for by whom exactly?) every single night. Sounds practical to me! At the end the big conflict has our heroine choosing between returning to her dream job in the city (dancing in a Christmas show, which means she’d only have to be gone for a few days) or abandoning that lifelong dream that she’s worked her ass of for to stay in the small town with the new stripper boyfriend who she literally only met a couple weeks earlier. Etc. Trixie and Katya did an absolutely fantastic job lovingly roasting the shit out of this mesmerizing dumpster fire. Anyway, it was a hella entertaining little jaunt into a smalltown winter wonderland, but was it Christmasy? I dunno. Who cares? Oh wait… I’m supposed to… I don’t remember any Christian Christmas content whatsoever: I don’t think Jesus or church are mentioned once. I’m trying to think of any Pagan Christmas elements… I don’t think we even had a Santa reference anywhere. We had some Modern Christmas elements: basically decorating for the holiday, dancing with giant candycanes in a seXy manner, meeting up with family and friends for a shared meal, and a nod to the famous Radio City Rockettes and their annual Christmas show. But frankly none of that stuff was remotely central to the plot. So I am going to rate this one: Arbitrary Christmas Deadline. The whole film is about saving the family business by paying off back rent before a sale goes through to a smoothie franchise… but they have to raise the cash BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!! (Honestly, it might have even been a NYE deadline- I can’t remember.)
FINAL ANALYSIS
What have I learned from this year’s binge? My #1 takeaway is: My rating system is broken. I need a new one. Maybe I’ll figure out something better for next time. Here’s the problem: I am rating two separate elements but mixing them together:
1. What is the film about?
2. What elements appear in the film?
The entire reason I started this endeavor years ago was because I noticed that no Christmas movies were about the birth of Jesus. Then people sent me examples of movies they thought counted, but the closest was usually people saying, “This movie has a church scene” or “this movie has a nativity play.” But never was the film actually ABOUT these things. But by my current scale, if the film shows a church or mentions the nativity, it bumps above any/all films with zero Jesus mentions. That’s how we wind up with Home Alone ranking above Klaus, which makes no sense.
Which film is ACTUALLY the most Christmasy amongst this year’s contenders? Klaus! EASILY KLAUS! The movie about Santa Claus came the closest to capturing the true spirit of the nativity (a stranger arrives to bring goodwill and cheer, children are our future, etc.) Klaus is also the only Santa movie I can think of that allows world-building where Christian Christmas already exists (er rather, where some sort of non-Santa Christmas already exists… there are clues, but they don’t spell it out.) I also keep coming close to putting Christmas with the Cranks towards the top, because the Kranks’ displeasure of all the commercial and social pressures that have become wrapped up in the Christian holiday result in them rejecting the entire holiday, including the goodwill messaging, and in the end they find the love again (though, because the return to love has nothing to do with Jesus or the nativity, we’re still not hitting the Christian Christmas mark.)
Bottom line: if the question is just a yes or no: “Is anything a real Christmas movie?” then according to this year’s binge, the answer is a flat-out “NO.” NONE of these movies made it. When the answer is binary, what the heck am I doing here sifting for decimals?
And also… why the heck do these movies exist? Why is there an entire genre of Christmas Romance? How many fake origin stories do we need for a fictional character who already has a real origin story? Why do we like putting Santa hats and Christmas lights in our action movies? And when has anybody ever set a major deadline ON Christmas?
I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, but now I’m thinking aloud here: Our in the real world, this time of year is getting dark. Like… literally. It’s dark outside. Why is it already so dark outside?! And it’s cold. It’s not a pleasant sunny cold where nobody has windburn and everyone wears a cute scarf and a cozy sweater in the snow like in these movies; it’s unpleasant and gray and gross and every time I leave my cozy house I go, “OMG THERE GOES MY RAYNAUD’S AGAIN! GAH!” Everybody is sick with scratchy throats and runny noses. Our plants are all dead and brown. We’re invited to office parties and holiday parties and we’re trying to get dressed up, but it’s so cold we want to ditch out pantyhose and slip into our jammies. Our hands are cramping from writing addresses on Christmas cards, and our brains are cramping from trying to remember which friends go by maiden names vs married names. Our to-do lists are full of shopping and travel planning and baking, and we can’t catch up with any of that at work because our coworkers are all on leave already, and all our other coworkers are throwing a tsunami or requests our way because they’d really like to get this squared away before they leave on their vacations. While all of this is going on, we’re hearing Christmas music on every loudspeaker and in every commercial.
And there, sitting in our TVs wedged between those commercials, is the one shining beacon of hope: Jesus!
No, wait, not Jesus: MOVIES! Yes, movies! The greatest form of escapism! Christmas movies allow us to enter a world like the one around us: Where the sets are decorated with lights and people are stressing about travel and gatherings. BUT, in the MOVIE version, we can still escape! We can still be in Cold Times, but also fantasize about a local tree farmer. Or catch a terrorist in an airport. Or solve all of our problems by Christmas. And maybe, if we watch enough of these films, that excitement and merriment and glossy small-town feel-goodedness can seep out of our TVs and into our own frozen little real-world hearts.
So, in a way, Christmas Movies are like the baby Jesus. It doesn’t really matter how tangentially-related, or R-rated, or cheesy, or straight-up stupid. The idea of any Christmas movie is that it allows us to be reborn. It brings light into the darkness. It can allow us to feel love when we’re alone. It can bring hope when we are lost. It can bring joy when we feel sorrow. Just like Jesus would have wanted.
Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, and for those who do not, go binge Black Doves.
Helga without the H 