Helga without the H

Almost every year I attempt (with varying degrees of success) to watch as many Oscar nominees as possible before the ceremony. I post half-assed reviews here on my blog, and then at the end I write up some sort of silly analysis, predictions, reactions, etc. The quantity and quality depends entirely on how much time and energy I have each year, and I’m not gonna lie, this year’s already starting pretty dang rough! But let’s see how it goes. Today we turn to:

Dune

[5 nominations for best picture, cinematography, production design, sound, visual effects, ]

Full disclosure: This is not going to be a fair review at all.

I hated this movie. I went in hating it before it even started. I was mad that it had 5 nominations and was free, because that meant I had to watch it. And I had zero desire to watch it. While it was on, I only partially paid attention. So I didn’t even give it a fair shake. No, I’d look up at the screen every minute or so, think, “WTF is happening? Whatever it is, it’s dumb. And this whole movie is dumb.” And then I’d look away to something else for a while.

This movie is “part 2,” which means that you have to watch an entire other movie beforehand to understand what was happening. Fuck that. No way. I already have to watch 3 hours of this shit; I’m not watching 6. It’s not even fun to look at like Wicked, for pete’s sake! But I wanted to have some idea, so I watched this 5 minute synopsis on YouTube before going in. Good enough!

The problem with Dune, for me personally, is that it’s a combination of pretty much every genre that I don’t really like. I can’t explain why I don’t like them, they just don’t do it for me. I’ll make exceptions if there is a particularly good story or execution or something else that pulls me in, but there was none of that in this movie. I’m just not a sci-fi/fantasy person. I’m also not a dystopian future person. I don’t like looking at barren wastelands. I don’t like fictional outer space. And we already know how I feel about shit that’s too long. At least this movie is long for a reason, and that is that a lot of shit actually happens. All sorts of really wacky zany shit. There are so many people and plot points. Too many people and plot points, frankly. The entire thing just felt silly to me. It felt like the world’s biggest nerd’s fantasy; you’re telling me skinny-ass Timothee Chalamet is this super fighter? Look he’s a good actor and seems like a cool dude and everything, but he’s got the athleticism of a Twizzler. And this super twerpy guy has Zendaya wanting him (for some reason that’s unclear, because she seems to hate everything about him) but then is like “Hey I’ll marry Florence Pugh cuz all the ladies want me and I can have my pick.”

I’ve lost my thread here… where was I…

Okay, sorry, let’s refocus: I am very clearly not the target audience for this movie. But plenty of people obviously DO love these space fantasy movies and books, so they deserve movies they can enjoy, too. If you’re someone who loves looking at people wearing shades of brown hanging out on a desert planet while other people in spaceships wear weird clothes and talk about “The Houses,” then you’ll love this movie. It has all of those things. It has some sandworm monsters that are pretty cool. Javier Bardem was good as a religious zealot (and honestly the subplot about religious weirdos waiting for a messiah was vaguely interesting even if nothing else was.) All good things for people who like those things.

This film is nominated for tech stuff like production design and visual effects. That’s all fair. I like Wicked better for all of those things because Dune looks like every other space fantasy movie I’ve ever seen, whereas Wicked felt very new. But this film is also nominated for best picture, and that I can NOT abide. Whaaaaat????? Do not give out best picture Oscar nominations to a movie where a fetus telepathically talks with her mother! Or where a single 2-second swordfight is the deciding factor in what happens with the entire galaxy! No! Just no! For the love of pete what are we doing here?!