Helga without the H

Okay, I will start right off the bat by saying that, if the subject matter of Monistat, yeast infections, or my vagina make you uncomfortable, you should stop reading now. Take your time- I will wait until you are gone…

…

…

…

Okay, they are gone. Before this moment, I have only told about three or four people about this, precisely because I assume that nobody wants to hear from me about this stuff. But, I am not kidding or exaggerating, this Monistat review marks one of my proudest achievements as a writer, and so I have decided to crawl out of the shadows and share it with the world (“the world” in this case being pretty much nobody, because I haven’t actually told anyone about this blog yet, but whatever). This review is possibly the most critically-acclaimed thing I have ever written, with other commented saying nice things like:

“LOL! Best review yet! 🙂 ”

“Literally Laughing my ass off and most likely pushing the alien egg out my sweet stuff! I had the three day combination pack and had no problems, took at bed time. Thanks, I needed that laugh!”

“I’m in pain, but I’m laughing.. So thanks for that.”

“Dear Blondie,Please for the love of God pursue a writing career and write a book. I laughed hysterically from your review and also my vagina was sympathizing with your vagina. Or as I like to call it, ViFi. I’m glad that it turned out for the best because I was seriously worried about the “just viciously raped” feel down there and the overabundance of alien goo. Again, I’m asking you to write a book, I don’t care what it’s about and I’ll buy it. Or start a blog:) ” (Sounds like a great idea!)

“This was the most entertaining, well-written review I’ve ever read on Amazon. I agree… you should write a book or have your own show, column or something!!! ”

“I am in such painful laughter because I did the same stupid thing and I tell you what, I’m glad you survived because right now,,, i am seriously starting to wonder if i’ll make it through this alive. Thank you for giving me hope :O ”

“Awesome review!!!”

“I agree…. Awesome review!!! Reading your review distracted me from the pain and discomfort of using this product for about 2 mins. Maybe I can read it over and over again to make it thru the day. That will be a lot of re-reading though considering it is just 11:51 am. Thanks for the honest review and laughs!!! 🙂 ”

And, perhaps the greatest compliment of all, I have been voted THE MOST HELPFUL REVIEW for this product on Amazon, with a whopping 158 of 168 people finding my review helpful!

I feel truly blessed because I’m up against some pretty stiff competition, with other reviews having some pretty amazing titles such as (and I am NOT making these up):

“STAY AWAYYYY!”

“Save yourself”

“Fire Crotch… Spare yourself”

“This VJ is on FIRE”

“Time bomb in mt vag- everything worse now”

“Fires of Mount Doom in my snatch.”

“Satan in your pants”

“The Easter bunny didn’t bring this egg from H*ll!”

“The nine circles of vaginal hell”

“HELL FIRE IN YOUR PANTS!!!”

“Feels like my vagina is in HELL but my body is still here on EARTH!”

“SATAN’S EGG”

“NO NO NO YOU WONT JUST PEE FIRE YOU WILL FEEL FIRE”

“The good news was we were able to enjoy a nice lunch before the flames of Mordor descended like a rushing tide.”

And a rare non-Satan-related warning: “Have Tequila on hand before your start.”

It is with rare and humble pride that I present to you this, my Three Star review, originally posted here on September 8, 2013.

*********************

Not for a Pussy’s Pussy

I really wish that I had read the product review for this item BEFORE shoving a nuke up my vagina. Oh man. If you’re about to use Monistat 1, then you are in for a real treat. And by “treat” I mean “agonizing evening of vaginal terror.” Just like 99% of the women writing reviews here, I was surprised when, less than an hour after insterting the adorable, harmless-looking white M&M into myself with a space-age, let’s-inseminate-this-woman-with-an-alien-egg-just-to-see-what-happens style syringe device, my snatch starting feeling a bit, umm, uncomfortable. I’d grabbed this product on my lunch break and inserted it in the office bathroom upon my return, which means I spent the remainder of my afternoon sitting in my cubicle and then on the subway squirming and sweating and clenching my teeth to hold in the screams. I mean, the pain from this thing was just nuts. As soon as I got home I ran to the bathroom and discovered that giant globs of white alien goo had appeared in my panties, presumably from the alien egg (er, “ovule,” as it likes to be called). It was at this point that I hit up some online reviews and discovered that I was not alone. Horrified, I attempted to wait out the pain.

Here’s some advice, ladies: If you’ve already inserted the vag-detroyer-pill into your womb and are now writhing about and waiting for death, I suggest going out and doing something active instead of whimpering to yourself in a cold dark corner. I, for example, went to play some volleyball. If you’re going to be in pain, it is better to be distracted than dwelling.

Back to the review…

All that being said, I am giving this evil genius product 3 stars instead of 1. Why? Because it freakin’ works, that’s why. The next morning I felt way better. The itching returned a little every now and then for the next few days, but now, 1 week later (which is the time frame promised by the helpful Monistat box), my box is happy, healthy, burn-free, and prepared to reengage human insemination instead of alien egg insemination!

What you basically have to ask yourself is whether, to you, it is worth going through a couple hours of misery in order to clear this yeast up. I got my infection because I was on antibiotics for something insanely painful, so the vag pain didn’t really seem all that bad by comparison. So would I use this product again? Yeah, sure, I’ll just make sure I have a stick to bite down on or something. Maybe I’ll have someone amputate my leg with no anesthesia to help distract me from the pain. But if your pussy is a pussy, then maybe this is not the product for you.