Helga without the H

Each year for the past few years, I have attempted to watch as many of that year’s Oscar nominees as possible before the awards are presented. It’s just a little personal challenge for fun, and I’ve had varying degrees of success in both seeing the films, and making predictions (ok that’s stretching the truth- my predictions are always failures). This year the nomination announcements caught me by surprise somehow. I’d managed to completely miss the Golden Globes (whose nominations I usually use to get a jump start), and for the first time ever, I have not seen a single one of the nominees already on my own. Doh! Lots of work to do! Last year I wrote up reviews of all the nominees I managed to see, and published both my predictions, and my reactions. I hope to do the same this year, but I’ll try to write up my reviews individually as I see the films, and then will do a big prediction post at the end. Today we focus on…

Once Upon a Time In Hollywood

(10 nominations, including best picture, actor – Leonardo DiCaprio, supporting actor – Brad Pitt, director, original screenplay. cinematography, sound mixing, costume design, sound editing, and production design)

This was the very first of this year’s Oscar movies that I watched, and the very last one I am reviewing. I waited this long because I HATED THIS MOVIE, and I do not want to write about it or take any more time thinking about it. It does not deserve my attention.

But I have a couple minutes to kill, so…

I’m just sick of Quentin Tarantino. I’m sick of him using extreme violence for fun entertainment and pretending it’s okay because the violence in his films is against bad people. He does that in this film.

“I am cool and important and edgy!”

I hate movies about movies, writing about writers, etc. With exceptions. This movie was about Hollywood. I could not give two shits.

I am tired of watching male-dominated films with incredibly gifted actresses who are given like ZERO lines. Margot Robbie is phenomenal. WHY DOESN’T SHE TALK?! She’s just an object. A sweet and innocent female. Let’s not ruin that by having her open her mouth or have  a personality of any sort. Fuck that.

I’m tired of women being the nags wife or the young sex object to old douchey men. There’s a couple who are in charge of stunts, and the husband is likable and forgiving while the woman comes out and starts yelling at people. Brad Pitt is totally allowed to murder his wife with a harpoon gun because she’s shrewishly complaining about being stuck on a boat with him (I’d like to shut her her up, ammirite?!). Brad Pitt is like a gajillion years old but gets all lovey dovey with an underaged hippy who he just met but who for reason lays down in his lap. Fuck all this shit.

I’m tired of Quentin Tarantino capitalizing on other people’s fame and ideas and hiding behind it being an homage. Bruce Lee portrayed as a hack who can be easily beat up by our wife-murdering douche of a protagonist? After you’ve built your whole career on copying him? Fuck that.

I’m sick of watching films instantly jump with movie street cred for having Al Pacino in a random scene or role.

I’m just sick of watching any of this shit. I’m sick of it. Screw this movie.

Want me to say SOMETHING nice out of fairness? Fine. It has a cool soundtrack. End of review.