ORIGINAL POST: It’s 1am on a weeknight. [NAME REDACTED] hears a noise. I figure it’s normal house noises. We hear another noise. Must be coming from next door. More noises. Must be the dog. Oh, but he’s right here, and the noise is coming from outside the bedroom. Holy crap, they are DEFINITELY in the house. SOMEONE IS IN OUR HOUSE! [NAME REDACTED] grabs a broken hockey stick, I grab a phone and hover my finger over 9 to dial 9-1-1. Head down the stairs, calling out, no response. [NAME REDACTED] locked the fron…t door- did I lock the back door? I headed back up into the office to look out the back window to see if the gate is open, and HOLY CRAP, IT IS IN THE ROOM WITH ME!!! A squirrel. We have a damn baby squirrel running around our office right now. Animal control can’t come until the morning. Office door is now secured with duct tape and bungee cords. Andy the Wonder Dog did not react to us calling for his help against the intruder, OR to the damn squirrel, which he, as a beagle, is supposed to be hunting. And now we can’t sleep. Except Andy, who has been snoring through the whole ordeal. Crazy crazy night.
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4am. I’m awoken by Andy the Wonderdog finally awake and alert and sniffing like crazy at the base of the bedroom wardrobe. I groggily stumble over to the bathroom to pee and just as I’m finishing up- HOLY CRAP IT’S IN THE ROOM WITH ME! Andy the Wonderdog is on the case and comes running in, chasing the thing out in the hallway and then back into the bathroom while I’m screaming. Andy goes back into the bedroom hopping on 3 legs cuz I guess he’s too old for this shit and pulled something. Eventually he wanders back to the bathroom and sniffs like crazy. We can hear the squirrel clicking but can’t see it. Squirrel is now supposedly secured in the bathroom, but we still have no clue how it got there in the first place, or if it’s even the same squirrel. Andy is now making tons of noise sniffing around everywhere. Nothing to be found under the wardrobe though Andy keeps sniffing. I need sleep.
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7am. We are violently awoken (1 minute before our alarm, so that’s lucky) to the sound of Andy the Wonderdog chasing the squirrel in the hallway. He’s been out there on a stake-out, guarding the supposedly sealed-shut office and bathroom doors. I bolt up and start sprinting towards the noise when Andy chases the squirrel into our bedroom and OH MY GOD IT’S COMING RIGHT TOWARDS ME! Andy corner it under the wardrobe. [NAME REDACTED] wanders over there with the hockey stick and pokes around. No squirrel. He’s been walking around in his underwear the past several minutes poking at closets, etc. No sign of escape from the office or bathroom. 2 more hours until Animal Control even begins their official office hours, and we have no clue what to do.
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(posted at 8:45am) AND NOW, THE STAR-STUDDED CONCLUSION TO OUR SAGA: Called the mom-and-pop real estate company that manages our property and were happy to find they were already awake and at work. 15 minutes later the (also awake and working already) maintenance crew arrived with a bucket. “Heardya got a squirrel!” Found the little guy cowering under my nightstand RIGHT BY WHERE I’D BEEN LAYING ALL NIGHT. Still absolutely no clue how he got into the house or out of the supposedly secured office and bathroom. Or how my supposed hunting dog is so useless. But at least he seemed to be having fun. CASE CLOSED!
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EPILOGUE: I think I have found the squirrel hole that let in our late night visitor! It is in the basement, where something (or someONE?!) has burrowed in through the doorframe. Am now hallucinating squirrels all over the house. Have plugged the hole with duct tape and am awaiting morning when I can call the maintenance guys out again. Andy’s injured leg seems to have healed. [NAME REDACTED] is gone so now I’ll have to wield the Broken Hockey Stick of Doom by myself.
Helga without the H 