Helga without the H

Every year* I attempt (with varying degrees of success and effort) to watch as many of that year’s Oscar nominees as possible. For the past few years* I’ve posted reviews of these movies here on this blog. At some point before the awards ceremony, I usually write up some sort of over-analysis and maybe some predictions, but we’ll see if I run out of steam before then. In the meantime, today we cover…

*Except 2022, when I was too burned out from 2021’s binge to give a crap.

Saltburn

[0 nominations for nothing]

IS IT SALTBURN?: Yes!

Am I starting off this year’s reviews with a movie that wasn’t actually nominated? Yes, yes I am. This year (as in some previous years) I tried to get a jump on this year’s likely nominees by watching films that scored a lot of Golden Globe nominations. Sometimes that backfires and I watch an extra movie or two that doesn’t score any Oscar nods, and usually that’s fine. But it is not fine this year. Not at all. Because of all the Golden Globe nominees I watched, Saltburn was easily, I mean EASILY, my favorite film. It was just So. Damn. Good. I absolutely loved it.

So was I shocked and appalled when the Oscar nominations came out, and Saltburn wasn’t nominated for one SINGLE dang award. NOT ONE?!?!?! What the eff? This is a travesty! This is THE SNUB of the year. Yes, this – THIS! – is the TRUE snub. Not this Barbie garbage (but more on that in a later review.)

Now, I admit that just because I liked a movie, and just because it is good, does not mean that it automatically deserves an Oscar nomination. There are lots of good movies every year. Just cuz we like them doesn’t mean they’re award-worthy (ahem ahem, all you Barbie-obsessed wackadoos), because there are plenty of other movies out there that might be even more deserving. Perhaps the other nominees this year just happen to be EVEN BETTER than Saltburn. Could that be possible? Hmm… Maybe. Let’s find out!

For this year, and this year only, I have decided to judge all the nominees by one single, simple criteria: IS IT SALTBURN?

If the movie in question is as good as, or, miraculously, even better than Saltburn, then it is officially Oscar-worthy. But if it is not as good as Saltburn, well then… poo poo on the academy! Poo poo on the movie! Poo poo on this entire demented, filthy system!

Speaking of demented and filthy, perhaps I should get on with my actual review of Saltburn. I loved Saltburn! But, it certainly is NOT a film for everyone. It’s pretty graphic, and certainly pushes the envelope at points. If you’re uncomfortable with nudity, menstrual blood, masturbation, substance abuse, or general creepy behavior, then this is not the film for you. I would not feel comfortable renting this for a family movie night, for example. Also, full disclosure, the plot is a little wacky (especially towards the end), and I could see that putting off some viewers; it might have done so for me had not everything else in the film been just so dang awesome.

What is there to love? Everything. The screenplay is so, so witty and perfect. It is expertly delivered by an absolutely incredible, gifted cast. Richard E. Grant was obviously spot-on as always, but newer stars like Jacob Elordi as the too-good-to-be-true rich hot friend and Archie Madekwe as the snooty rich asshole were perfectly cast. Powerhouses Rosamund Pike and Carey Mulligan were, unsurprisingly, absolutely hilarious. But the real superstar was lead Barry Keoghan. So far I’d say he’s the easy pick to win, yes WIN, best actor. And yet… not even nominated? Argh! [It’s taking every ounce of my self-control to restrain myself from complaining about the actual nominees. Must… hold off… until… correct… movie’s… review…]

I would be ok with Saltburn only having nominations for best actor and best (original?) screenplay. I mean, I would want it to have more, but… at least the highest of the highest highlights of the film would earn the appropriate recognition. But everything else in this film was also fantastic. It looked incredible, and every scene and shot captured the juxtapositions explored as the center of the film. Rich vs poor. Classic vs modern. Reality vs imagination. Excess vs restraint (actually, you know what, there’s like zero restraint in this film.) So could I have seen nominations for directing, cinematography, editing, costumes, and production design? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Now full disclosure, I think part of my personal enjoyment of this film is that it starts in Oxford in the mid aughts. I was a student at Oxford in the mid aughts (no, I’m not humble bragging. I’m straight-up in-your-face bragging about being a smarty-pants. I need something positive to cling to when I contemplate what a failure I am in life. AAAAaanyhooo…) The point is, watching the beginning of this film, I felt transported to my wild nerdy youth. The film does an exquisite job capturing exactly what it felt like to be in that particular place at that particular time. The nostalgic soundtrack certainly helped. And from that point on, I was hooked. It crafts an extravagant crazy world, and sucks us right into it. I was right there with them playing tennis in a tuxedo or whatever crazy shenanigans they were up to. This brings up a memory for me… While at Oxford I had a week (or two?) off from classes, I think between terms. (It might have even been called Easter break because they don’t have separation of church and state over there.) During that break I went to spend the week with my friend and her parents at their home in the English countryside. When I told my family about the visit, I realized they were basically picturing Saltburn (but maybe with less… uh… debauchery.) Americans love the idea of falling in love in old British castle surrounded by sheep and butlers. That illusion shattered when I pointed out that my friend’s retired parents were a former lorry driver and preschool teacher, and the Saltburn fantasy in in fact just that; a fantasy. A beautiful, super-fucked-up fantasy.

Anyway, best of luck living up to these unrealistic expectations, all you nominees! On to the actual reviews now…