Helga without the H

Three star review, originally posted here on February 2, 2024.

I was so conflicted on this book. There is so much promise here. The story is so imaginative. At times the storytelling is very engaging (for example, when Dracula’s ship arrived in England and the captain has slashed himself to the wheel with a crucifix.) Despite being written over a century ago, I had no problem understanding and following along with all of the characters. Lots of really, really great stuff here! And, at times, genuinely creepy. And the audiobook I listened to had a really talented cast that did all the voices (I’m trying to find my edition, Duke Classics, so I can credit the actors, but they only list one- Tavia Gilbert. Is one lady did all those voices then HOLY COW she is talented), and they (she?) did a fantastic job bringing the tale to life.

But…

Van Helsing.

Ugh.

God, I HATED Van Helsing. I just credited the cast for their excellent voices, but Van Helsing was the one major miss. This audiobook version gave him such a goofy accept that it just detracted from the creepiness of the story. But even without the dumb voice, I just HATED Van Helsing. This dude just WOULD. NOT. SHUT. UP! He doesn’t even have his own chapters (we jump between narrators), so I guess he was compensating by just taking over everyone else’s chapters. It felt like over half the damn book was just him babbling nonstop. And he was annoying AF. First of all, he was hella sexist. Okay, sure, the whole book was kinda sexist, and you have to read classics with a gran of salt given the time period when they came out, yadda yadda yadda. Except both Lucy and Mina had plenty of agency and intellect and were fully-formed characters. Which means Stoker himself could see them as actual people. But Van Helsing could not. He was just constantly babbling about what sweet innocent beautiful creatures they were, and how they’re too delicate to handle anything, and then convincing all the other dudes that they should also see them as useless. Mina had read Jonathan’s entire nightmare-in-the-castle diary cover to cover and even transcribed it, meaning she’s seen some shit. And they’re like “Naw, you’re too delicate. Stay here and let the menfolk talk about how badass we are.” The sexist wasn’t the main thing that bugged me with Van Helsing, though it certainly made me grind my teeth. But dude just spent so much time repeating over and over again how brave they all are, how dangerous their situation is, etc. He was just mansplaining left and right. And soooooooooo repetitive. Like ok, shut up and let’s just fight this vampire already!

This book made me think of every group project I’ve worked on, or any committee I’ve served on, where there’s always some dude trying to be the main leader by just babbling at meetings incessantly and pretending they’re in charge for some reason. Meanwhile like 2-3 women quietly do all of the real work.

So what I would love to see here is a re-edit that cuts Van Helsing out of the book entirely. Now you might be thinking “Wait, but we need him because he is the one who knows all of the vampire stuff!” I missed if/when they ever explained why this guy is the vampire expert for some reason. But honestly, Mina is a freaking school principal who handles all her lawyer-husband’s shit for him. Just have her to go the library and check out a vampire book. She doesn’t even need a full book: just a single page that lists all of the arbitrary vampire rules. Boom. Done. She can get it done in like 20 seconds, instead of the 20 hours we had to spend listening to Van Helsing droning on. Then she makes a vampire slaughter plan, announces it to everyone, and they just do it. Easy peasy, and we can quickly move right on to the creepy and actiony bits. We don’t need all the action being slowed down by Van Helsing re-explaining to us everything that is already apparent from just following the plot of the book. Show don’t tell, stupid Van Helsing!

While we’re re-centering the female characters, let’s get some more content on these ladies living in Dracula’s castle, shall we? Like… what was their story? They seemed really interesting. Take come of Van Helsing’s tedious screentime and give it to these ladies.

What else… I was surprised by how much of the current vampire lore seems to be straight out of this book. I don’t know if Stoker made it all up (great imagination, dude!) versus based it on existing folk tales. But all the vampire details tracked exactly with what we see in, say, What We Do In the Shadows. Garlic, stake through the heart, can’t come inside until invited, turning into a bat, etc. The reason I’m surprised is because so many other characters have morphed heavily over time. I read Frankenstein a couple years ago, and there is virtually no similarity between the novel and what I always assumed was classic Frankenstein content (Mad scientist in a tower screaming “It’s alive!” in a lighting storm, etc.). Santa Clause with his North Pole was basically invented by Coca-Cola and is virtually nothing like the St Nicks and other Father Christmas type characters of yesteryear. Etc. But here we go- all the modern stuff is in there (except the Twilight glitter nonsense.) Which left me very curious about some of the stuff that we do NOT use anymore. We all know Dracula can become a bat, but in the book he also turns into wolves, and I think maybe just mist, and at one point another human being. Why don’t we focus on this shapeshifting more? Why stop at bats? There was also a rule of some sort about how he can’t travel with certain tides or something? Frankly, I didn’t understand that one. I’m guessing that’s why we don’t use that one- maybe nobody really followed. But it was pivotal for the book’s ending, because I think it affected how they track him down at the end?

Or maybe not, because I have a pretty big confession: I have no idea what happened towards the end of this book. I was so sick of Van Helsing that I started skipping ahead whenever I heard his voice. And then at some point I just zoned out, and next thing I know it was an hour or two later and I realized we’re in our final confrontation, and for some reason there were a lot of gypsies around. Then the random American cowboy (who is so hilariously shoehorned in that I honestly kept forgetting he was a real character) died for some reason. And that was it. So, yeah, full disclosure, you could maybe count this as a DNF for me. Show me the anti-director’s cut without Van Helsing and then maybe I’ll give it another go.