Back in our online dating days, a close friend of mine and I would post Online Dating Gems to one another’s Facebook walls. These Gems were quotes we can come across in the profiles or messages of men we were encountering on dating sites. We actually had a bunch more than what I list here, but I decided to not post most of the ones where the person was clearly illiterate, as that just seems mean. These are our stories:
April 23, 2011: “I don’t like to read books. The last and first book I ever read was in high school and it was called Catcher in he Rye.”
May 1, 2011: Explaining who has been the biggest influence in his life: “At the tender age of 21, I was introduced to the Amway Sales and Marketing program. Through the Amway business, I was introduced to a successful man named Bill Britt. He successfully built the one of the largest Amway distributorships through hard work, faith, and moral values. Through the teaching of his Britt Worldwide System, I became a better man and found my dream of business ownership. Henceforth, that has been my burning desire and aspiration [sic]”
May 6, 2011: Explaining what he is most passionate about: “I love to write so I read a lot to become a better writer, or at least have a fair shot at it.” The rest of his profile is littered with incorrect pronouns, run-on sentences, etc. Good luck there, buddy.
May 6, 2011: “I also like to mix 5hr Energy with champagne some morrnings before driving to work.”
May 19, 2011: Explaining the last book he read and enjoyed: “This is a tuff one because I’m always reading 3 to 5 books at once.” Yeah, I can see how that’s a TUFF one.
June 11, 2011: “I am passionate about enjoying life. I have always said that I will try anything once except having sexual contact with a man.” You don’t say.
June 13, 2011: Explaining why he joined eHarmony: “We inspire each other to be our best selves, by way of… white-hot passion, which will, of course, light the fuse to sexual-dynamite.” Yowza!
June 21, 2011: “I am thinkful for my family. I am thinkful for my health. I am thinkful for my personality (vey easygoing).” I already hated this guy because he started off saying that he is most passionate about “physical fitness and nutrition. I want to help others who are uncomfortable about their apparence.” [sic throughout]
June 23, 2011: “I’ll be contempt with someone with a great sens of humor, a genuine personality and knows how to love herself. ” Yeah, I have so much contempt for humor, love, and genuineness. Those things all can bite me.
September 1, 2011: Pro tip? I’m not going to believe that the last book someone read was “The Davinchi Code.
February 5, 2012: Explaining what he cannot live without: “A super woman with the magical power of man-part levitation.” It gets better. Much, much better. From the same guy, answering the question “Are there any nude photos of you on the internet?” He answered “Yes! Check out this link!” and… there’s a link. It’s very zoomed in. He has a tattoo. Down south.
May 24, 2012: All quotes from the same guy: “If women really did like a tall guy with a great sense of humor, I should be way more popular on this site than I am.” “According to OKCupid and personal research, I’m 95% compatible with women who are probably not going to reply to my Emails.” “My longest relationships have been with cats, dogs, plants and my iPad!” He repeated each of these jokes at least 1 time each in other locations throughout the profile.
September 11, 2012: Today’s winner started off his 3 paragraph message to me with: “Ouch! Caustic and seemingly angst-ridden, or just intentionally sounding bitter even though she isn’t? Can’t tell. I’m not going to tell you I’ll make you laugh even though it sounds as though you need a few things to laugh about.” he continued with “I believe in equality rights!” His profile included highlights like, “I’m really good at running into the middle of the street to save squirrels from oncoming traffic.”
December 16, 2012: His self-summary: “As the result of a NASA miscalculation, I flew too close to the sun, the rays expanding my mind and making me the smartest man on the planet. Now my talking motorcycle (which contains the mind of my former roommate) and I are on the run from NASA and their assassin, actor Ron Silver who wants to take my brain. We travel from place to place solving paranormal mysteries with the help of my new found ability to become a super genius when my brain absorbs sunlight.” This self-summary is based on a Ben Stiller TV show, starring Jack Black, that never aired. Ah yes, there’s nothing funnier than a dude who recycles other people’s jokes. He listed”comedy” as one of the things he can’t live without, had a photo of himself with Rob Schneider, and linked to a Chapelle’s Show sketch for one of his answers.
December 25, 2012: Explaining what he is doing with his life: “Well, at this very moment I’m rewriting my OK Cupid profile because my old profile — created back in 2005, I think — was magically deleted a while back. Did the magical leprechauns delete me from existence? Or was it the gang of hamsters who power OKC’s servers? Hard to tell — the admins had no answers, so I have to assume that they’re in league with the hamsters.” My friend said I should marry him and make 400 babies. I said that’s a lot of babies, but I’d see what I could do.
December 30, 2012: Explaining what he’s doing with his life: “Whi wants too play some video games together lol..”
Explaining what he’s really good at: “Who want’s to go see the new movie Flight with me?” The same dude answered Favorite music with “Well i really enjoy all types of music. Here are some i enjoy. Nickelback-” and then proceeded to list SIXTY NINE musicians/bands. Mostly in alphabetic order. Ends the SIXTY NINE artist long list with “The list goes on i like all kinds of music really thoses are just a few.”
Helga without the H 