Helga without the H

4:00AM: If you attempt to communicate with me later today and I seem nonfunctional this is why:
1 week ago: Sarge starts letting loose gallons of pee all over the house and we take him to the vet. We wait a week for the result of cultures, which reveal a bladder infection. Fast forward to:
YESTERDAY/TODAY
2pmish: Finally pick up dog’s antibiotics prescription 2 days late due to pharmacy being closed for the holiday weekend
5pm: I go for a walk and wind up sprinting 2 blocks home in the pouring rain because the sky suddenly opened up
5pm – 12:20am: Constant thunder and lightning in the distance, occasional raining here, nothing crazy. Many, many failed attempts to get the dog to go outside, but he’s too terrified of thunder.
12:21am: I go to sleep
12:22am: Massive thunderstorm! Dog is FREAKING OUT! Lightning strikes all over the place. Power goes out and comes back on. Mike snores through most of it but wakes up just in time for the power outage. Dog finds a new hiding space in the back of my closet, which defied the rules of physics because it’s an area the size of a breadbox and my dog is… hefty. We stay up looking at weather report and see reports that everything should be cleared out by 2am. We’re hitting a clear patch, then one more tiny storm patch and then all clear!
1:45am?: Dog chills out, fall back asleep
2:30am: PURE ANARCHY! THOR APPEARS IN THE SKIES TO DESTROY US ALL! POSEIDON RISES FROM THE ALLEY FLOODS TO COLLECT HIS ANNUAL ALLEY CAR SACRIFICE! Dog is frantically trying to dig a hole through the carpet to safety. Weather report suddenly says “Storms all night, suckas!” Mike makes a run for it to move his truck from the flooding alley to the street (Not today, Poseidon!) He’s about to move the other car from one side of the street to the other but lightning strikes right then and he opts the “don’t get electrocuted” route.We check the basement and no real flooding yet but there’s some water leaking in under the door so we assess which floor-level items need saving. Watch out the front door as our neighbor bravely tries to move his car, then loses a flip flop and sprains an ankle, then chases his flip flop downs the street while hopping on one leg, then realizes he can’t get back to the house without wading through floodwaters or hiking down past the storm drain. He’s still out there wandering the streets to this day (naw, he got back in. I think).
3:20am: I lay down to try to sleep again. Nothing else could go wrong!
3:21am: Dog still freaking out. Tries to dig a hole in the carpet. And… releases 50 gallons of stinky infected dog urine right next to me. Thankfully he’s standing over his dog bed, which absorbs most of it. When he’s done I try to carry the dogbed away to the basement, but it’s leaking all over me and the floor, so we alter course to the bathtub. Spend the next 15 minutes cleaning up dog piss while the dog keeps trying to lay in it, debating whether its safe to shower during lightning storms, then remember we can’t shower cuz the tub has a piss-soaked dogbed in it. Sponge bath myself by the sink, do a bad job, am still covered in dog piss.
3:40am: Am wide awake. Decide to write the world’s longest (likely least-coherent) Facebook post.
3:45am: Dog falls asleep no problem. Jerk!
4am: Finish Facebook post. Am about to try sleep again with the sweet scent of Nature’s Miracle teasing my nostrils. Storms seem over. Dog is calm. Presumably will be woken up at 4:05am by something.