If I ever run for office, 50% of my platform will be making it socially acceptable to wear ski pants anywhere, anytime. (The other 50% will be instituting walk-left, stand-right laws on all escalators).
Waiting for a prescription at CVS right before Valentine’s Day is dangerous. I need this coconut sized Ferrero Rocher, right?
My most successful April Fool’s joke was an accident. Some parcel thief in my brother’s building likely thought he was getting an envelope full of cash; instead he got a handwritten note from Chewbacca congratulating him on his induction to the Nerd Hall of Fame and inviting him to the induction ceremony at fart o’clock … More Facebook Post: April 2, 2019
Back in our online dating days, a close friend of mine and I would post Online Dating Gems to one another’s Facebook walls. These Gems were quotes we can come across in the profiles or messages of men we were encountering on dating sites. We actually had a bunch more than what I list here, … More Facebook Posts: Online Dating Gems
If I ever decided to take up the practice of idolotry, my false god would be Billy Joel. He’s pretty similar to real God anyway. He always soothes my soul. He’s with me in good times and bad. I don’t talk about him if I want to seem hip and cool. He’s kinda disappeared for … More Facebook Post: March 10, 2011
Dear EHarmony- Please stop matching me with people I already know. Today it happened for the 5th time. This is not what I am paying you for. Thanks. **************************** Dear EHarmony (again)- Why are men allowed to post all the “check out my hot torso on the beach” photos they want, but I can’t post … More Facebook Posts: May 2011
I wish that other stores had the same deal as Petsmart, where it’s totally acceptable to pee all over the floor and they even provide little clean-up stations at the end of the aisle. That would have made my last shopping trip at Tiffany’s WAY less embarrassing.
Okay, everyone, I have just become Facebook Friends with my mom. So please clean up your acts and stop selling drugs and guns on my Facebook wall. Thanks!
Dear whoever hacked my Netflix instant queue… WELL PLAYED. I’m curious to see how World Wrestling’s Greatest Hits, Nazi zombies, generic straight-to-video Little Mermaid cartoons, and anime about an afterlife highschool combine to affect my recommendations.
Extremely important question: Why wasn’t there a coach or faculty supervisor for the cheer team in Bring It On?! Those kids were running wild on their own! I’m amazed they didn’t swing golf clubs at each other like we did in PE class every time our teacher stepped away.
Helga without the H 